“You are in control.”

I haven’t gotten to post in quite some time, somehow college catches up with you and suddenly you barely have time to remember to eat. Coincidentally in the past few weeks I have gotten some time to really reflect and re-evaluate life.

Probably about a month and a half ago I was in my kickboxing class when our teacher said something that I never thought would remain in my head this long thereafter. We were in the middle of our routine and she just kept saying “You are in control.” “No one else can take  control of your body but you.” This principle rang clear and true to me because the last thing I ever feel is in control of my own body. I usually feel like control over my pain, my exhaustion, and my constant brain fog is the last thing that I have.

But then a few weeks later I would go on to do something I never thought I would be able to do. I ran my first 5k road race. RAN. Yes, not walking…running. Three years ago I could barely get off the couch or walk and now I was choosing to run. For years I thought I would never dance again, but then I did. I never thought  my legs would be able to carry me through 3.1 miles of running but somehow at 7:15am on Saturday, April 4th, they did. Crossing the finish line I actually started crying because I never thought that this was something that I would accomplish. I could still cry just thinking about it. I regained control. I am in control. Yes, I have my bad days and the days where I am run down and have to take a step back from my life, but those are just single days. I am in control of this body and I can chose to do with it the things that I want. I can control running 2 miles a day or I can control taking a week to relax because I can listen to what my body needs.

Life is about more than the single bad days. It is about the laughs you have in your kitchen with your best friends when you stay up too late, or doing face masks with your roommate’s boyfriend, or taking a walk outside just to take in the smell after the rain. The little things are the things that make those bad days seem less bad and maybe, just maybe, if we can hold onto those moments, they will make the bad days start to fade away.

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